Change is in the air

These past few months have been a whirlwind of activity. Everything has been in such a state of flux that it's been hard to just button down the hatches and kind of ride it out. Seems like just about all the issues require some sort of tending to or intervention. But it goes without saying that it's definitely been a great experience of sorts and something I've been fortuate enough to go through.

Now most of you who read this will probably end up laughing because you've been down this road before and know how silly most of this sounds. And if not that, you'll just snicker and jeer saying 'this is only temporary'. Maybe. But this is what it is to me.

So as you know, I started my first 'real' job at Broadcom (ticker: BRCM) a few months ago. In this time, I've finished one major project. It's being handed-off to the fab tomorrow so that the monkey's in bunny suits can make that silicon chip. Hopefully in a few months, I'll have a real, tangible part in my hands to prove that I did something. In some ways, I find what I do empowering because I see a real result. Something tangible for the hrs i put in the office. I'm not sure about the finance world and how that plays out, but at least with engineering, this is about as real as it gets. Of course, minus mech engineers, but that's a whole different thing. So as long as I didn't screw anything up, I'll be able to see what I did, and be able to look in a microscope and say "I did that". Yes, it's geeky, but it's the truth. Does looking at a finished excel sheet fill you up with pride? How about those spiffy bar graphs? Pie charts? Line graphs? Let me know if it does.

I'm slowing learning exactly what this mutli-billion dollar company does. A lot of the products we make go into electronics that you use day-in-and-day-out. For example, if you have cable (most likely you do), and that cable box is made by motorola? We make the brains of that box so you can watch your 'Sports Center' or 'Beauty and Geek'. You have TIVO to record all that geeky goodness? We make a chip that makes that magic work. Amazed at the refined lines of Motorola RAZR phone? We designed a chip to make that possible. Bluetooth? That's us. Linksys wireless routers? That's us too.

I had no idea what this company did before i got here. Sure, i looked it up the homepage before the interview, but that doesn't really help. It's like giving someone the idiots guide to hieroglyphics and telling them they're going to give a presentation on some old temple a few days later in egypt. Not completely realistic. But in any case, the longer I work here, the more I learn about what we do and what our products enable the world to do. It's kind of nice to see direct and tangible results of all the hard work that goes on within these boring cubicle walls.

Even though it's been a few months here, I find myself still filled with doubt about my performance here. Am i doing a good job? Are they taking notice of the work I'm doing? What time i arrive at work, and what time I leave? Are they going to fire me if i botch up a project? There's not a lot of feedback coming back at me so it's hard to gauge what i'm doing right, and what i need to focus more of my attention to. And the fact that I'm the youngest here my many years doesn't help either. I feel compelled to dress up to work in slacks and a button-up shirt so that at least it'll help garner some respect. Everyone I work with is old enough to potentially look at me like I'm a little kid. Other people I know who work in similar fields never dress up. Jeans, polo/t-shirts, and sneakers. From day one. I just have this nagging feeling that they're going to fire me or demote me to do something else. Like become a sanitation engineer or whatever the correct euphamism is these days for toilet cleaner.

But all in all, it has been a truly enjoyable experience here. When people ask how work is going, it's nice to know that when i tell them that I enjoy work, i'm not having to lie out of my teeth. I really do like it here. The work is stimulating and not boring (yet). But i wonder how long this attitude will last. But a part of me is filled with a joy and thankfullness that I haven't felt in years. I guess it's just been a long time coming that I thought the situation I'm in right now would never materialize. If anything, it's just reaffirmed that God really does have a plan for all of us. Even now, I still doubt and wonder, but these past few months have really shaken me to the foundation of how and where I lay my hopes and expectations.

I realize that it all sounds cliche to go on this long rant/rave and then all of a sudden insert a notation about spirituality. It's like a small afterthought that goes in to make sure people see how "holy-thou-art". But in all honesty, that's the truth. That's who I am. God is a part of me, as I am a part of this world. So in a sense, I'm giving credit where credit is due. Did I earn any of this? The job? The great coworkers? The steady income? No. I wondered for 3 years if I could ever find a job that I liked, and that would be something I actually went to school for. 3 years of doubt, anguish, and toil which led me to where I am right now. Did I do it on my own? Sure. I had to go to school to get my master. I had to put together a resume and hand them out. But when the dust settled and the little chicken legs stopped working, God's will was ultimately played out. He allowed to get into grad school. He helped me pass all my classes. He helped push me through the interviews and land this job. But He also let me stumble for the first 3-4 months of job hunting to teach some valuable lessons: Masters degree doesn't promise you anything; I can't do this alone; don't take anything for granted; but most importantly, not to worry so much about what I can't control. I can't control what people i meet with for my interviews. I can't control the questions they ask. I can't control what people are going to think about me, whether it's about competency or personality. The only thing I can do is perform to the best of my God-given abilites, and do so faithfully and diligently.

So in a sense, it was all me, and yet, it was all Him as well. Such is the paradox of my life. All i can do is sit back, enjoy the ride, and laugh at myself.

Hilarity ensues...