Man, a lots been going on lately... but one thought has been clouding my head for the past 2 and half weeks.... i'm tired....

I had steak with Haejin on tuesday. It was refreshing to talk with someone outside of my class, and who could relate to what's going on in my life. It was so random too, but God really does work in mysterious ways, everyday that passes is proof of that. Thanks Haejin!

I have a midterm coming up on tuesday, and today in lecture, the prof seriously lost half the class. He just shakes his hand and all these crazy graphs and weird equations just show up, and i'm sitting there in a half-sleeping stupor just watching it all happen, and like a robot just coping it down. It all looks like squiggly lines to me. If you ask me now what i'm learning, you'll probably have a better answer than me. I'm going to fail, but if i can pass the class, then all is well. I just need to graduate and end this hell that's been dragging on for the past 4 years...

Man, i'm jumping topics today... i guess i just have a lot to say, but nothings really related...
There's this one line in Gladiator that really makes me think... it's when the old fogey Caeser Marcus *what's his name* is sitting there talking with Maximus, and says "What will people say of me when I die? Marcus the Great? Marcus the Conquerer? Marcus the Tyrant?" I think we all are looking for some shred of worth from our peers, to know whether people approve of what we're doing, that what we doesn't go unnoticed. It's really tough personally, on one hand, Jesus tells us to live a selfless existence, to be a servant unto others and love them as He loved us. But there comes a point where our little minds start to wonder if people are just using you for your benevolence, taking advantage of your kindness for their own personal gain. I've been struggling with that a lot for the past week or so. Part of me is screaming at me to be more selfish, to revert back to the way i used to be, constantly watching out for me and jack other people so that i benefit. I just feel like i'm being walked all over and taken as a fool: use and abuse, and toss away when no longer needed. And you know what strikes me the most? It only takes one phrase from someone you care about to make it all worth it... How fickle we humans are...

Behind this happy, big, "nice guy" facade is a world of hurt you have no idea ever existed...